My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
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*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Everyone’s family
When my wife asks me to get her something from her giant purse, it’s always “Check the big pocket. No the side pocket. Wait, the medium pocket on the inside. Maybe the other side pocket. Did you check the big pocket?”
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?