[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
You Might Also Like
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
(first day as a bartender)
customer: fifth of scotch.
me: cool. i’m half Puerto Rican.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
If you’re reading this message then something has gone wrong with my experiment and I apologize for what is about to happen to the eggs in your fridge
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world