My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.

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3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then


GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems


me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit


Guys who are enemies of Putin seem to have the worst luck.


Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]


Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.

Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…


SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal


The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood


Zelda: Why aren’t you mowing the lawn?

Link: It’s raining

Z: No it’s not

L: *Plays Song of Storms*

Z: You’re sleeping with Epona tonight


I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are