My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
You Might Also Like
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
How I like cutting carbs
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
oh, he likes camping? crush some leaves and put them in your hair.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.