me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
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Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
This could be us, but you weedin’.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
There’s a reason the iPhone autocorrects “Yolo” to “tool.”
Meme Monday.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
ME: I’m much better thinking outside the box
PRISON GUARD: Still no
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
I only needed to open the last 7 presents I’d wrapped before I found the one I’d left the scissors in this year, which is nice.