so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
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I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Bless you
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
I put a Justin Bieber’s song as my alarm tone and it works wonders cuz I wake up before it goes off so I don’t have to listen to that shit.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
If you know, you know
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
Me: Sorry I called out the wrong name just now
Woman: Okay but still, what the hell
Bloody Mary: Oh gross, am I in a ceiling mirror
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
like u make the diseases or are against them ?