@OhNoSheTwitnt

My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.

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@JohnLyonTweets

This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.

Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!

@XplodingUnicorn

Went to a parade.

For an hour, bored people on floats waved.

For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.

It was the greatest day of her life.

@velweb

12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.

Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?

@iAmDelFreaky

2: Where mommy?

Me: Mommy’s at a meeting.

2: Mommy is meat?

Me: No. Well…yes, but only if we ever get stranded on an island.

2: Ok.

@Lisabug74

Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.

@GrantTanaka

me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say

@TweetingDadGuy

Please women who wear 1 inch heels.

What’s the point? You look ridiculous.

What difference does 1 inch really make?

Don’t answer that.

@dildointherough

Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.

@markhoppus

For class, my son had to create his own mythological god. He created Chillux, the god of relaxation, whose house is full of hammocks.