This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
You Might Also Like
Went to a parade.
For an hour, bored people on floats waved.
For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.
It was the greatest day of her life.
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
2: Where mommy?
Me: Mommy’s at a meeting.
2: Mommy is meat?
Me: No. Well…yes, but only if we ever get stranded on an island.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Please women who wear 1 inch heels.
What’s the point? You look ridiculous.
What difference does 1 inch really make?
Don’t answer that.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
For class, my son had to create his own mythological god. He created Chillux, the god of relaxation, whose house is full of hammocks.