My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
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listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
7 thoughts u have when buzfeed steals ur content
-WTF
-OMG
-Huh
-FAIL
-LOL
-NOPE
-why is a multimilion dollar website riping off my twiter
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Fight Club, but instead of blowing up all the financial institutions, they reset all twitter follower counts back to zero.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.