My mom just told me that one of her coworkers taught a first grader who spoke in a British accent
Which isn’t that weird at all—until you take into account that his parents are from here, they have no accents & their son somehow adopted an entire dialect from watching Peppa Pig
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She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
I’m not stressed
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
So, can we agree on 4 or
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”-Steve Harvey M.D.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.