My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
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Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
this holiday season i simply wish for everyone to have the gift of happiness, like the extremely misplaced happiness of a high schooler who just graduated and thinks the hardest part of life is finally over
Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
I’m so tired of all this cheap chicanery! Sir, where do you keep the expensive chicanery?
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
When you’ve already coughed 3 times in class and you’re trying not to cough again
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Unpopular opinion but siren songs low key kinda slap
ⓘ 𝗧𝗵𝗶𝘀 𝘂𝘀𝗲𝗿 𝗶𝘀 𝗹𝗼𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗮
when you miss someone’s call by one second and immediately call back and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did your telephone explode. did you fall into a chasm
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay