My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.

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I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.


CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.


Dad: ok we need to find the number to that store, get the phone book

Me: Get the what now?


My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.


An ancient tribe of homosapiens split off from the rest and stared at the sun for thousands of years. Today we call them Asians.


So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.


[Fortnite with 9]

9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?

Me: Sure, why?

9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.


The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.