My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
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It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
What’s it called when you’re sucking in your stomach but it looks like you’re not?
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Do one person every day that scares you.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes