I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
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C’mon guys, just 50 more likes and her father will love her.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
But, not in public.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
I dig, you dig, we dig, she dig, he dig, they dig. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Look, if all you have is candy corn in this van, I’m going to have to get out.
I regularly have gold plaques and 1st place ribbons made up for my liver so it knows just how much I appreciate all it’s hard work.
Shampoo for my real friends, real poo for my sham friends.