@zachreinert03: My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that's pretty cool
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@PaperWash: [in ambulance after being shot] can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell? "Don't be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can"
@WilliamAder: There are zero recorded incidents of mountain lions attacking someone running to the fridge for a snack.
@Home_Halfway: PERSON: Your baby is so cute ME: Oh thank you PERSON: They're gonna be a real heartbreaker! ME: Oh I hope not but thanks PERSON: ME: PERSON: ME: PERSON: They're going to devastate everyone who ever loves them ME: Okay we gotta go now
@Daniel_Sloss: If anyone says YOLO to me I say YOLBYPCFAC (You Only Live Because Your Parents Couldn't Find A Condom). I hope it catches on...