@zachreinert03

My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool

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@rockymomax

[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”

@Aspersioncast

When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.

@Browtweaten

Me: I’ll be there in five minutes

Pharmacist: It should be ready

Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*

Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes

Me: I KNEW IT

@Mr_Kapowski

Wife: I got our daughter a surprise for her birthday but don’t let the cat out of the bag

Me: YOU GOT HER A CAT?

Kid: *upstairs* YAAAYYYY!

@notacroc

[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars

@WhaJoTalkinBout

cop: *knocks on my car window*

me: sorry is the music too loud

cop: yes

me: *sets down bagpipes*

@BillPelicanBros

Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.

@superdadatron

I’m gonna cook tons of bacon, crush it up and sell it for extra money to support my family.

Bacon Bad

@DaddyJew

Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?

Me: im very straight forward

I: doesn’t sound like a weakness

M: you look stupid in that tie

@WheelTod

[First Date]

Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”

Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”

Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”