[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
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When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Wife: I got our daughter a surprise for her birthday but don’t let the cat out of the bag
Me: YOU GOT HER A CAT?
Kid: *upstairs* YAAAYYYY!
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
me: *sets down bagpipes*
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
I’m gonna cook tons of bacon, crush it up and sell it for extra money to support my family.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: im very straight forward
I: doesn’t sound like a weakness
M: you look stupid in that tie
Me: “I’m afraid I don’t trust myself around you”
Her (flirtatiously): “Oh, stop it”
Me: “I bought a laptop on your credit card while you were in the bathroom.”