My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
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Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.
Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
TIME TRAVELER: I’m here from the future
ME: Really? Who wins the election?
TT: Omg it’s such a disgrace
ME: You need to be more specific
coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Metallica’s “Nothing Else Matters” is my favorite song about that 5 minutes of sleep before the alarm goes off.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Worst perfume name ever.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
Plumber: I think I found the problem
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
4: MOM I NEED ANOTHER RED WINE!
Me, to the judging parents at the beach: RED VINE! She wants another licorice!!
Like I’d ever share my wine with her.
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
I am also baked goods
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese