Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
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“Make a wish Dad”
*Dad blows out candles
*Looks @ wife
Where did our son go?
*Dad cries with joy
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
“I’m not usually religious, but…” – Dan Mintz
#LGBT #gayrights #equality #atheist
Dude, what part of “I don’t speak your language” don’t you understand?
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
The first rule of parenting is: never negotiate with terrorists.