@tealbluejay

My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.

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@Kristen_Arnett

good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich

@NotLikeFreddy

WRITER FRIEND: I’m stuck on this plot point
ME: tell me more
WRITER FRIEND: *gives me a summary*
ME: h—
WRITER FRIEND: OH SHIT I JUST FIGURED OUT EVERYTHING

@SilleVio

Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”

@thegoodgodabove

It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.

@FSUSteve

Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?

@Holy_Mowgli

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor

@crylenol

Kinda messed up that marijuana is just a plant. Like, what other plants are drugs?
*tries to smoke a carrot*
Yea I guess I’m feelin it

@nojeshua

[mysterious British man rescues me]

Me: How?

Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.

@joelu72

[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card