good morning to everyone but especially to the woman in the dunkin donuts who smashed two glazed donuts together and ate them like a sandwich
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
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WRITER FRIEND: I’m stuck on this plot point
ME: tell me more
WRITER FRIEND: *gives me a summary*
WRITER FRIEND: OH SHIT I JUST FIGURED OUT EVERYTHING
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Mosh pit is just goth wrestling.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
Kinda messed up that marijuana is just a plant. Like, what other plants are drugs?
*tries to smoke a carrot*
Yea I guess I’m feelin it
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card