Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!

Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.

I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.

My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.

Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.

If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food

me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper

If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.

Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.

[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET

Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?

fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake

me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?

fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?

Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*

i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions

If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.

I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.

KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.

*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*

(raises arms in the air)

Ta-da!

Called in, “Let’s make this simple. What excuse haven’t I used yet?

*5 yo on her kindergarten Zoom class*

Teacher: “So what do you do before joining our Zoom class?”

5yo: “My mommy hits me and says ‘do good!”

Me, no make-up, bagel crumbs on my face, unexpectedly joining the Zoom class: “SHE MEANS I HIGH FIVE HER HAND!!!”

If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.

Him: Flash me a smile. You’re prettier when you smile.

I seductively part my lips to reveal one perfect orange slice.

My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.

They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.

I now have what I like to call “my cake.”

One of my kid’s friends was talking about how he told his dad about a cool new group called Bon Jovi

No you didn’t, 9 year old lol

trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training

If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.

I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.

“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”

-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.

*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.

Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.

not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue