My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
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Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Well, that didn’t work.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.