Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
My mom recently figured out that the best way to get me to call her back right away is to text me that someone died but not tell me who.
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me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
the #horror is real!
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
I don’t want student loan forgiveness, I want student loan revenge
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
Apple watch, loudly: “It is time for you to poop”
Me: “A-as I was saying, our investors h-”
Watch, louder: “It is your optimal poop time”