My mom recently figured out that the best way to get me to call her back right away is to text me that someone died but not tell me who.

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{playing Hide & Go Seek}

Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!


I wonder if when my dog follows me into the bathroom it’s cause I follow him outside when he goes and he thinks that’s how it works. Meh.


Cop: are you on drugs?

Me: no of course not

Me: [Gollum voice] he lies to you


Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.


*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*

Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils


Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.


If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you


1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)

Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?


I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.