@ANNIEwayyyy

My mom recently figured out that the best way to get me to call her back right away is to text me that someone died but not tell me who.

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@AmericanGent69

{playing Hide & Go Seek}

Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!

@astutenewf

I wonder if when my dog follows me into the bathroom it’s cause I follow him outside when he goes and he thinks that’s how it works. Meh.

@thenatewolf

Cop: are you on drugs?

Me: no of course not

Me: [Gollum voice] he lies to you

@SuMacDan

Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.

@lazerdoov

*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*

Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils

@jakob_huber

Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.

@brandonIee

If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you

@hoedeehoe

1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)

Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?

@PetrickSara

I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.