Meanwhile at the Maternity Ward…
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I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
*Sandra Bullock floating around in the background of all the new Star Wars movies*
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
This new thesaurus isn’t just terrible, it’s also terrible.
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
As soon as I finish building this trebuchet, I, too, shall be a flight risk
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
“What kind of dog do you have?”
“Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog”
“And what kind of cat?”
“Orange”
If I’m still single on Valentine’s day I’m going join a dating agency for sure!
Husband: ….
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
i BuILt a dEViCE sO yOu CAn efFoRTLesSly sEnD PasSIvE agGreSsiVe emAILs liKE tHiS.
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.