Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
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[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Are you ok, human???
Me: Good night.
Brain: Night.
Brain: But if dog bacon existed would you eat it?
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Friend has been complaining about finding an avocado on his lawn every day for weeks now. Why would someone keep throwing avocados in his yard? Who would do that? You guys he just realized he has an avocado tree
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
[addressing everyone at my pet possum’s funeral] you guys aren’t gonna believe this
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions.
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself