@sarahkendzior

My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂

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@Tbone7219

Todd on Facebook hates being sick.

Really Todd? Most people love it.

@dafloydsta

I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.

@Bouuvine

DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:

-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Being Charismatic
-Waking up Early
-Having money

@FunnyBison

Iโ€™m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, โ€œsuck it up, cup of butter.โ€

@T_N_Crumpets

[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!

@joelu72

[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card

@SortaBad

2008: I want a career where I change the world

2012: Itโ€™d be great to make decent money doing something Iโ€™m proud of

2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues

@tazsme

[driving] Goddamn pedestrians

[walking] Goddamn drivers

[both] Goddamn cyclists

@Alex_Houseof308

I like eating corn without anything else, but my friends always try to make me buy and eat that small, purple fruit with it, but I will never give in to pear pressure