Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
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I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
DND allows you to play out even the most impossible fantasies, such as:
-Speaking multiple languages
-Traveling with friends
-Waking up Early
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
She’s not my fake internet girlfriend, she’s my eBae.
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
I like eating corn without anything else, but my friends always try to make me buy and eat that small, purple fruit with it, but I will never give in to pear pressure