My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby
I turn 25 in two weeks
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Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Things that were punishments when we were kids turned into rewards as adults. Go take a nap? Don’t mind if I do. Sent to my room to be alone for a while? What a relief. Spankings? Please sir, CAN I HAVE SOME MORE
Me: I bought mini cinnamon rolls
Friend: how many?
Me: I don’t know how, but they’re tiny
me: there are plenty of white rappers
him: …dr seuss
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
Mission: Impossible
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
I don’t need the audio tour at the museum, I have my teen to provide critical commentary the entire time.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch