My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
My mom said I gained weight so I told her I was pregnant. Now I’ve got like 8 months to prepare to raise a fake baby.
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me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
why would you say Ben Affleck and Ana de Armas broke up when you could just say BenAna Split
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
I’m bringing sexy backward.
I deserve an Academy Award for the way I just searched the fridge with my son for his leftovers that I definitely ate.
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Me, age 30: *scrolling*
Me, age 37: *finally finds the recipe at the end*