This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
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Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
Be nice to people on your way up so they won’t get suspicious when you’re rich and you invite them to your island to hunt them for sport.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
Reality called, I hung up. Not today Satan
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Q: What day does an Easter egg hate the most?
A: Good Fry-day.#GoodFriday #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.