My mom said I gained weight so I told her I was pregnant. Now I’ve got like 8 months to prepare to raise a fake baby.

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My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…


me: this is my cousin, carlos

wife: nice to meet you

carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto

me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind


why would you say Ben Affleck and Ana de Armas broke up when you could just say BenAna Split


It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy


I deserve an Academy Award for the way I just searched the fridge with my son for his leftovers that I definitely ate.


Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….


Me, age 30: *scrolling*

Me, age 37: *finally finds the recipe at the end*