@MUMSIEesq

My mom said I gained weight so I told her I was pregnant. Now I’ve got like 8 months to prepare to raise a fake baby.

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@mommajessiec

My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…

@panmidwest

me: this is my cousin, carlos

wife: nice to meet you

carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto

me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind

@spinubzilla

why would you say Ben Affleck and Ana de Armas broke up when you could just say BenAna Split

@DrakeGatsby

It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy

@SuperApple80

I deserve an Academy Award for the way I just searched the fridge with my son for his leftovers that I definitely ate.

@AntozWolf

Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….

@VisionBored1

Me, age 30: *scrolling*

Me, age 37: *finally finds the recipe at the end*