🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
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I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
ME: this is great
INSTRUCTOR: you’ve never used a gun before, huh?
ME: [throwing another gun at the target] I need more guns
broke down and did it
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends