@Darlainky

My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.

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@Darlainky

I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.

@AimeeHelene1

Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…

Him: Steve…my name is Steve.

Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.

@PhilJamesson

dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing

me (slyly): yes

@ArfMeasures

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Wife: Let me do the talking

Cop: No, I’ll do the talking

Me: Why is your wife even with you

Cop: There you go, I said this would happen

@Cheeseboy22

Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.

@heyitsJudeD

Me: pick your poison….

Him: a margarita would be nice…

Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad

@ceejoyner

The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.

@egg_dog

a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!

@aparnapkin

I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”