My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
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Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
This is Walter. You just threw bubbles at him and he cannot fathom where you got the audacity. 12/10
I want to be featured on the news and the caption below me to read *unintelligible screaming*.
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.