I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
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Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
Hansel & Gretle be like
lets get these breadcrumbs
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”