Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
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My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Good is the enemy of great.
Sponge is the enemy of math.
Metaphysics is the enemy of Walmart.
A good way to know if your girlfriend is a lizard is if she eats a bunch of crickets or small birds
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
DOORDASH: imagine a $12 sandwich
ME: Damn I bet it’s so good
DOORDASH: now imagine you can have it for just $27
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.