My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
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*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Sometimes when I’m in the shower I’ll hear a strange noise and start singing EXTRA good in case the intruder has some connections.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
Sometimes I think I’m in love with the woman who drops off the Amazon packages, and sometimes I realize I’m having a Pavlovian response.
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
Do not go gentle into that good night,
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, “Got any shoes you’re not using?”
Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Paperwork and shit
Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone
Me: I said “and shit”
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog