the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.
You Might Also Like
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!
me: [putting socks on after sex]
her: now you have two pairs on
me: [being murdered] tell my gf i love her
wife: [murdering intensifies]
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry