My mom says she hates boxed wine because she can’t tell how much she’s drank. I’m glad I got her eyes instead of her sensibility.

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the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations


[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.


if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.

1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.

2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.


Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.


Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!

– squirrels


me: [being murdered] tell my gf i love her

wife: [murdering intensifies]


My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!


*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.


Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love

Her: I’m not hungry