That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
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going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
If you drink 6 RedBulls in less than an hour, they’re not allowed to arrest you for stealing a bus. Read the can if you don’t believe me.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
I have a Boo and a Bae. I guess you can say I have Boobaes.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen