@AGreaterMonster

My mom sent me a two paragraph email to inform me that she had called customer service and received $17 off her flight to see me.

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@Jimmy_Smacks

When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”

@Browtweaten

FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction

Me: I swear, I was not abducted

From basement: *inhuman screeches*

Agent: What was that

Me: My excessively human child

@ThatBloke_Jesus

Judas is buying everyone shots.

Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him

@AndrewNadeau0

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

@Canadian_Cutie_

Mother in law: Do you think you will have any more children?

Me: Oh, no. His pull out game is strong

@AnOrangeSNES

[A field]

*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*

@JustDontBugMe

[God creating Raccoons]

GOD: Make a giant squirrel that’s dressed like a burglar and greedy af.

ANGEL: UMMM…

GOD: But not wily enough to steal the infinity stones from Thanos.

ANGEL: SIGH.

@DaddyJew

*stands outside of karate dojo practicing karate for free through the window*

@Sorrowscopes

Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.