When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
My mom sent me a two paragraph email to inform me that she had called customer service and received $17 off her flight to see me.
You Might Also Like
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Mother in law: Do you think you will have any more children?
Me: Oh, no. His pull out game is strong
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
[God creating Raccoons]
GOD: Make a giant squirrel that’s dressed like a burglar and greedy af.
GOD: But not wily enough to steal the infinity stones from Thanos.
*stands outside of karate dojo practicing karate for free through the window*
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.