@AGreaterMonster

My mom sent me a two paragraph email to inform me that she had called customer service and received $17 off her flight to see me.

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@U_Want_Shum_M8

*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them

@Breadery

Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes

@concretesledge_

I just spent $100 at Whole Foods. This better be a damn good bag of Almonds.

@PostCultRev

FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot

@Tbone7219

Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.

@toastymoe

Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.

Worse news:
I’m a bus driver

@steeve_again

Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i

Other Titanic lookout: hmmm

@briangaar

You had me at “we’ve got the place surrounded”

@kiel_phillips

ME: Dave’s coming over for tea

WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?

DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas

@Staggfilms

PORCUPINE LAWYER: I object, your Honor! He’s badgering the witness!

BADGER LAWYER: Your Honor, he’s being a prick!

SKUNK JUDGE: [slamming gavel] Odor! Odor in the court!