@JennyJohnsonHi5

My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.

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@ReeseButCallMeV

I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.

@HatfieldAnne

Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.

@JElvisWeinstein

“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.

@LaLuchaNix

I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.

@jonnysun

me: helo darkness my old friend

darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old

@AimeeHelene1

If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.

@awkwardphilippe

PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage

ME: (clearing throat)

BRIDE:

GROOM:

PRIEST:

ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now

@jackiembouvier

I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.

@DaddyJew

Me: sleep before the monsters get you

7: monsters aren’t real

M: you sound like your brother

7: brother?

M: I’ve said too much already

@NewDadNotes

[on the phone]

DIRECTV Rep: DIRECTV.

Me: hi. yes. how do I get free HBO?

DIRECTV Rep: sorry Mr. Smith it’s for new customers only.

[2 minutes later]

DIRECTV Rep: DIRECTV.

Me: [wearing fake mustache] hi. yes-