My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
You Might Also Like
Six Flags: *opens first theme park
Five Flags: We should have seen this coming
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
You think you have problems, I used a toothpick to get a toothpick out of my teeth this morning.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
dream blunt rotation
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
#StillHurts
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
my first dose meeting my second
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
The writing’s on the wall because I have a 4 year old
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text