My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.

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Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad


My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”

No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.

I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.


I’m basically only good at three things:

1. Programming
2. Counting


If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.


Knock knock

Who’s there?

Control Freak. Now you say “Control Freak who?”


[A field]

*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*


MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.

MY DAD: Ugh fine.

[My Birthday]

DAD: Open this one.

ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.

DAD: Now open this one.


Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*




I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services