My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
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Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Me: I don’t care how cute you are, I will tear you to shreds if you don’t start cooperating.
Wrapping paper: *rips*
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
from now on, if you email me about a deadline i missed, i am just adding you to a thread with everyone else i owe work. y’all can fight it out over who i’ve disappointed most urgently, i’ll be over here breathing into a paper bag erratically
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
[planning a heist]
Robber 1: this will be the biggest hoist of all time
Robber 2: wait are you saying hoist or heist?
Robber 1: hoist
Robber 2: …
Robber 1: it’s just how I pronounce it
Robber 2: so you know this is a heist
Robber 1: DUDE MY NAME IS ROBBER 1 I KNOW WHAT WE DO
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
“Does your dad play any sports?”
“No, my dad hates sports”
*dad walks in*
“Hey there, Sport”
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Wishing everyone who’s visiting their parents for Christmas a very water tastes wrong.
I am all good here, 😂😉
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit