@Lisabug74

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”

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@tsm560

Me: I really don’t have any bad habits to speak of.

Her: So you have no bad habits?

Me: No, I have plenty! Just none I’d want to speak of.

@Shaundsmith80

*Me tucking my 5yo into bed*

5yo: I wanna sleep in your bed tonight

Me: Me and mommy need you to stay in your bed sweetheart

5yo: But I’m scared of the dark

Me: Is the dark scarier than mommy with no sleep?

5yo: *goes straight to sleep*

@Ygrene

“Hey nerd, who brings a friggin book to a bar?”

*my eyes narrow as I close my worn copy of Advanced Techniques for Winning Barroom Brawls*

@SequelsWeWant

Monsters, Inc. 3:

It’s harder to make kids laugh

The Internet has made them jaded

The monster need help

They teach the kids to smoke pot

@Robert_Beau

I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’

@daemonic3

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

@Yair_Rosenberg

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis: