My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
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*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Bread puns are on the rise!
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
[at the club]
Bouncer: Sir, you can’t bring that it in
Me: Ok (taking off nunchucks)
Bouncer: No, those are okay…take off the fanny pack
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
My dating profile:
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate