@Lisabug74

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”

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@Brampersandon_

LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit

@GodfreyElfwick

I suggest now is the time to send ISIS some *very* strongly worded emails – then hit them with the biggest petition they’ve ever seen.

@agnessaintcalf

Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.

@LlamaInaTux

(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany

@good2go013

Canada has seasons:

Almost winter, winter, still winter, and construction.

@Quartzjixler

Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!

@TheMichaelRock

HR: Did you tell Brenda she was stupid?

Me: Oh god no! I said she is stupid.

HR…

Me: There’s no past tense with that one.

@abuya_henry

8:00 am – Packs Lunch
9:00 am – Arrives at work
9:04 am – Eats Lunch

@NikiWithIssues

You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.

@CulturedRuffian

What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.