“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
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Me: I really don’t have any bad habits to speak of.
Her: So you have no bad habits?
Me: No, I have plenty! Just none I’d want to speak of.
*Me tucking my 5yo into bed*
5yo: I wanna sleep in your bed tonight
Me: Me and mommy need you to stay in your bed sweetheart
5yo: But I’m scared of the dark
Me: Is the dark scarier than mommy with no sleep?
5yo: *goes straight to sleep*
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
“Hey nerd, who brings a friggin book to a bar?”
*my eyes narrow as I close my worn copy of Advanced Techniques for Winning Barroom Brawls*
Monsters, Inc. 3:
It’s harder to make kids laugh
The Internet has made them jaded
The monster need help
They teach the kids to smoke pot
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis: