My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”

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Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned


Girl, you don’t even know how crazy I am about you….

I’m thinking about digging my mom up so she can meet you.


I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around it’s neck.


“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it


I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.

I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!


My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”


My tweets don’t get the attention they used to. I’ve seen more stars after getting my head slammed into the headboard.


The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.

*watch tv in separate rooms.


Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.