
I’m just a girl trying to keep up with a guy on my Fitbit challenge who may be walking out more sexual frustration than me
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
I’m just a girl trying to keep up with a guy on my Fitbit challenge who may be walking out more sexual frustration than me
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
[i walk up to a woman wearing headphones and take them off her and put them on] nice this song rules. what? sorry, can’t talk. headphones on
Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.