My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
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Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
I just want to apologize to all the guys I dated BEFORE I started using Prozac.
And to their wives. And their local fire departments.
People who hit Reply All to 20+ recipients and then say, “Thanks!”–please know, you are going to Hell. Nothing can save you. Nothing.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
Every grocery store has a manager, a clerk, and a person standing in front of the spices learning how alphabetical order works for the very first time.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
you’re legally allowed to steal anything from the doctor’s office if they leave you alone in the room for a minute
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
The fact that dudes go on a diet but they call it “biohacking” is so funny to me.
Like if men started knitting they would call it “hyper threading” or “powertangling” or some shit
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Just overheard a woman on her phone here at the airport say “I’m literally here at the airport” and it was kind of thrilling to hear the term used correctly.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.