@MikeDrucker

My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”

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@SkinnerSteven

Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned

@MondayPajamas

Girl, you don’t even know how crazy I am about you….

I’m thinking about digging my mom up so she can meet you.

@Sheila_Mac420

I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around it’s neck.

@CornOnTheGoblin

“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it

@daemonic3

I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.

I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!

@darinlovesbacon

My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”

@BlakWidowBarbee

My tweets don’t get the attention they used to. I’ve seen more stars after getting my head slammed into the headboard.

@bartandsoul

The daughter is spending the night out tonight so the wife & I are going to do that thing we like to do when she’s gone.

*watch tv in separate rooms.

@Breadery

Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.