My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
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For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
*adds resume embellisher to resume*
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?
Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.
Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?
MY KID: can you do a cartwheel?
ME: not if i want to live
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Breaking news:
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Going to one of those speed dating events, and every time a guy sits down in front of me, simply open a box of pizza to see if we are toppings compatible.
bought wrong eggs
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
A model citizen is just like a regular citizen that doesn’t eat.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
What I say:
Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the carWhat my kids hear:
Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television