My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
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Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
If I wanted to drive my wife insane, I’d secretly raise a colony of bees & place one new bee inside of her car each morning for ten years.
Sticking a $5 bill into a vending machine turns it into my grandmother, dispensing stale snacks and rare dollar coins.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
An old lady on the bus just tried to set me up with her daughter. Here’s everything she knows about me:
1) I don’t have a car
Breaking news:
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
instead of valuable antiques, my mom passes down my childhood pastel poofy-sleeved 80’s outfits so my kids can carry on the family legacy of looking stupid
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
When I was a kid we once went to a neighbour’s house for dinner and she gave us purple soup and I had to eat it and that’s why I don’t like neighbours
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.