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Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Is amazed how I go to bed with normal hair and wake up looking like a beat up version of medusa. Am I fighting crime in my sleep? Wtf.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Sing it!
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.