My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
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[to an inflatable tube man waving outside a car dealership]
i feel like you’re overreacting. these are moderate savings at best
Girl: I love Medieval Art
Boy: Who doesn’t? There he is now
Medieval Art: Good morrow! Pray tell- How fare thee on this day of providence?
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
[approaches group of male coworkers talking about the superbowl]
man oh man I can’t wait to watch the
[looks at left palm]
rams & the patriots play
[looks at right palm]
football
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
ME: gimme a beer with a thick head
BARTENDER: you got it
BEER: did you know vaccine’s cause autism?
Whoa 😂
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are