My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
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Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
Bringing back the word zoinks but only for when someone shows me their baby.
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
My 7yo asked me if I comfortable and if I wanted a beer at 9am so now I know who my favorite is
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.