So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
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[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
“Oh, my, god. Becky, look at her butt!”
“DOCTOR PLEASE SHE IS CODING! NOW IS NOT THE TIME!”
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”