My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.

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Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Don’t be silly – opportunity doesn’t knock twice!”


i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective


I’m sorry I picked up dog poop using your selfie stick.


My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.


“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
Me: “You have ice?”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”


Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.


You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.


doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on

me: probably since the summer of 2015


It’s all fun and games until HR sends an email with “Your Twitter Account” in the subject line.


Brb taking my potted plant for a walk

“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”