@deegeemindi

My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.

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@Vijaytiwari1611

Knock, Knock.
Who’s there?
Opportunity.
Don’t be silly – opportunity doesn’t knock twice!”

@vmochama

i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective

@Dr_powpow

I’m sorry I picked up dog poop using your selfie stick.

@4SLars

My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.

@Storminika

“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”

@Jazzzzzmina

Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.

@andrewmonea

You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.

@carlyken

doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on

me: probably since the summer of 2015

@WhiskeyandMeds

It’s all fun and games until HR sends an email with “Your Twitter Account” in the subject line.

@EricaLynnz

Brb taking my potted plant for a walk

“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”