My mom told me not to hang out with bad girls, she never said don’t be one.
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ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Just a reminder, folks:
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
back in the day, my idiot friends and i used to pump our right fists in the air and say “right arm” instead of “right on” my god how are we still alive
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”