[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
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My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles
Teacher: Write what you know.
Student: *writes “what you know.”*
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.
-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’
-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.