my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
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If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he become a werewolf permanently?
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
4-year-old: Is there candy in that drawer?
4: Can I check?
Me: Do you have a warrant?
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Wife was feeling kinky last night so she got naked and I tied her to the headboard, then me and my buddy ordered pizza and played X-Box.
Hey girl, I’ve got the right equipment to satisfy you in bed.
*warms up electric blanket and turns on white noise machine
My Plans 2020