@chrissyteigen

my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord

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@MrsMikePatton

If you were to send a werewolf to the moon, would he become a werewolf permanently?

@3sunzzz

As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.

@philmann

WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: Is there candy in that drawer?

Me: No.

4: Can I check?

Me: Do you have a warrant?

@Bob_Heller

Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.

@HenpeckedHal

son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet

me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months

@QueefTornado

Wife was feeling kinky last night so she got naked and I tied her to the headboard, then me and my buddy ordered pizza and played X-Box.

@drinksmcgee

Hey girl, I’ve got the right equipment to satisfy you in bed.

*warms up electric blanket and turns on white noise machine