My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
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This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Yoga Matt
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
One Mississippi… two Mississippi… just kidding! One Mississippi is quite enough.
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
[Family Feud]
What’s your answer?!
*whispers into microphone*
Please help me, I don’t even know these people
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
i like video games because they’re the only socially accepted way to ask another adult if they want to play
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
My girlfriend lives over 200 miles away serving life in prison and she just killed her cell mate, 3 guards, broke out and held an Uber driver at gun point for a 4 hour drive just to come see me for an hour. IF THEY WANNA SEE YOU THEY’LL MAKE THE EFFORT
Oh no