My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
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I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
Just peed so much that a little laugh came out.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance
doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how it’s spelled
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.