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My mom voice was so loud even my neighbors washed their hands & cleaned their rooms😒😒
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dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Fool me once shame on you, fool me 237 times you must be the wrong Tupperware lid
Drinking before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven