My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
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My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
After 23 years together my wife asked me why I test out couches by laying on them. It’s like she doesn’t even know my track record by now
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.