My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.

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He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.


My mother was, let’s just say, not perfect. She’d routinely leave my little sister and I in the van for hours while she gambled. And even though we were patched-in to the casino security cameras and feeding her info through an earpiece, she still managed to blow hand after hand.


“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”

*unbuttons pants*

“Not anymore!”


If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.


the devil has a tape recorder containing the sounds you made when you sang aloud with a group but didn’t actually know the words


Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time

Artist while drawing:


Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.


i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM