My mom wants to see 50 Shades of Gray with me… I screamed, “OH HELL NO” and suggested we see Cinderella instead.
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Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
*puts words between two asterisks*
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
me: 7’s favorite toy eats batteries like crazy
husband: *laughs* that’s funny, yours does too-
me:
husband: I’ll go get more batteries
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
– Dracula darling, you have something stuck in your teeth.
– Vhere, here?
– No…
– Here?
– No, just go look in-
– GO LOOK IN WHAT, SARAH?
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
“Maybe she’s born with it, but most likely she botched it at home” should be my slogan when I color my own hair.
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.