My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
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This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
My mom is helping me hang a painting and we don’t have a hammer so she used my cast iron pan to whack the nail into the wall and I’m pretty sure my neighbors think someone’s murdering their husband. I’m not correcting them.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Me (texting): Help I’m in the closet hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t use voice to text
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
RIDDLER: What belongs to you, but others use it more than you do?
ME: Every piece of kitchenware I own?
RIDDLER: Well, no, but
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.