My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
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When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Somebody in my gang is an undercover police horse. I’ve narrowed it down to Dave, Kyle and Sugarcube
Nothing prepares you for how difficult it is to obtain a loan for a giraffe
Don’t snitch tag.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?