My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
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painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
I showed my husband a list of home improvement projects we could start this weekend, and after looking it over, he decided to stay in a hotel.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Don’t follow your dreams, I did once and ended up naked in the supermarket.
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
i spent way too long on this
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
In my 20’s: why is eating healthy such a big deal anyways.
In my 40’s: oh.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”