My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.

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I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.


One more glass of wine and my “only a lesbian from the waist up” rule is about to go out the window.


[First day, CSI]

Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”


The World: “It is officially impossible for any of this to make less sense than it does now.”

McCain: “Hold my alligator.”


AC changed “laughing at your gif” to “laughing at your God” and now I’ve accidentally started a religious war in this group text…


Every time I pick up my phone after dropping it, I feel like one of those worried girls in movies who just took a pregnancy test.


[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought


Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.

Him: You know why.

Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*


“Did my dad make it, doctor?”

Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.

[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”

Haha no, he went to Disney World.


Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me

Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality