I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
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One more glass of wine and my “only a lesbian from the waist up” rule is about to go out the window.
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
The World: “It is officially impossible for any of this to make less sense than it does now.”
McCain: “Hold my alligator.”
AC changed “laughing at your gif” to “laughing at your God” and now I’ve accidentally started a religious war in this group text…
Every time I pick up my phone after dropping it, I feel like one of those worried girls in movies who just took a pregnancy test.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
Her: Why are you still calling? You know it’s over between us.
Him: You know why.
Her: *sighs, calls dog to phone*
“Did my dad make it, doctor?”
Billy, your dad’s in a better place now.
[crying] “HE’S DEAD?”
Haha no, he went to Disney World.
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality