“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
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hello 911? yes do you think i’m pretty
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Everyone needs that one friend that will promise to redraw your chalk outline to make you look skinnier.
Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.
Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.
Me: to hush someone; four letters.
Me: boat Noah built; three letters.
Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.
2020 is the worst Choose Your Own Adventure book ever
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
My dog just puked on the floor.
5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!
I like the way this kid thinks!