@RobbyActually

My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat

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@schumoo

“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.

@ddsmidt

Most women need a little reassurance.

Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.

@QwertyJones3

Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by

@wickedsuga

Everyone needs that one friend that will promise to redraw your chalk outline to make you look skinnier.

@NewDadNotes

Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.

Wife: bay.

Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.

Wife: bee.

Me: to hush someone; four letters.

Wife: shhh.

Me: boat Noah built; three letters.

Wife: ark.

Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.

@steeve_again

Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder

Me: oh shit

Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together

@MrSpoonicorn

there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911

@lexiedawn

My dog just puked on the floor.

5yo: MOMMY, LOOK!
Me: Eeeww!
5yo: We are just gonna have to move now!

I like the way this kid thinks!