The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
My mom won’t stop calling the turkey baster “the squirter” and I can’t keep it together.
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If you wanna know what it’s like to have kids, just dump everything you own on the floor and tell the air to clean it up.
Spoiler: the air doesn’t clean jack shit…just like children.
After they got married she even put his truck nuts in a jar.
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
“sorry it’s permanent”
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of