If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
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“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
[Jesus Feeding of the 4,999)
ME: *gets back in line wearing fake mustache*
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.