@PondHockeyPro

My mom won’t stop calling the turkey baster “the squirter” and I can’t keep it together.

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@JosesLovesYou

[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}

@LittleMissAngr1

If you drink enough coffee with your morning joint, you can wake and shake and bake.

@T_Bonezzz

STEPS TO FOLD A FITTED SHEET

1) PUT SHEET ON BED

2) FOLD BED

@slimmy_shady

Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!

@dyldonot

Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”

-Eminem at a farm.

@Mostly_Cheese

Me: What’d you do this weekend?

Her: I got a henna tattoo.

Me: (picturing a chicken with body art) Like for her birthday or something?

@KimmyMonte

It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.